the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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