I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize