Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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