i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
