im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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