Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
