the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
