I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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