I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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