I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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