So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
