nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
