she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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