I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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