Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
