I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
