i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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