A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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