then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
