You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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