The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize