i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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