Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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