he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
