Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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