so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
