You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
