Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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