Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
