There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So squirting runs in the family.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
