does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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