My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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