So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
