I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
