Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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