Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
