just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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