my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
