first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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