they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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