batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
