he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Are we still banned from the library?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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