It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize