I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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