Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
