her vagine was all disorganized.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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