the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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