I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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