I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
