Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
