I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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