I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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