Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can I color on your dick again?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
