those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
