this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
