if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
